I think that I’ve discovered something about myself. It’s probably not that earth-shattering of a realization, but whenever someone figures out something about how their mind works (especially if it’s not precisely in line with how they previously saw themselves) it feels momentous to them.
That said, I’ve decided. I am not spontaneous.
It’s sad, because I’ve always tried to put myself into the “quirky, fun, adventurous, let’s do random things,” box and I’ve always thought that box had to include spontaneity. But the more I think about it the more I realize that I like planning. I enjoy doing random crazy things, yes, but I like to know that I’m going to be doing those things. As strange as it sounds, I plan time for crazy adventures.
Take today, for example. I know that I have a meeting that I have to go to at a certain time but after that I expect to be able to walk home. There’s no particular time that I need to get home, and I fully plan to wander to and fro finding new things as I go. Maybe I’ll stumble upon something fun or exciting. After that I’m going to go home and read trashy YA novels and try to write a letter or two. This isn’t a particularly busy night, right?
But if someone were to call me up right about now and say, “hey, want to go bar hopping tonight?” or “we’re totally going to this concert, you should come!” I’d probably turn them down even though I’m really not doing anything this evening. I know what I’m doing. I have plans already with myself and those plans are just as important to me as if I was meeting someone for an event.
That’s not to say that I can’t be talked into doing something the day of, but usually if I have a night off of stuff I’m going to be really reluctant to turn away from planned relaxation to go out and exert myself in public. You better have something pretty dang awesome planned out and ready to go to compete with a chance for me to recharge my batteries.
I used to feel bad about this. I thought that it made me a boring person, not being willing to drop everything and run off into the sunset. But then I realized that I really need time to myself sometimes. I need time with my games and my books and my journals, time to dream and relax and learn new things. I need those moments of wandering through the streets on my own, wondering about whether ogres would live in basement apartments or if they are too territorial and would need their own houses and checking to see if I can climb that funny looking tree on the corner.
So this weekend? Sure! Let’s go on crazy adventures this weekend! Tomorrow? I can do tomorrow. Let me schedule you in. But today? I don’t know about today. I think I already have plans.